The Conundrum of Love

A conundrum is something puzzling, confusing, or mysterious—where the solution to the question is also the problem. That is exactly what I encountered in my quest for love.

The ability to Love anything or anyone else is directly equivalent to the ability to Love yourself.

How do you love yourself? How do you love someone else? One response to this question in my search for answers explained that we learn to love ourselves through loving others. Here is the paradox—in learning to love yourself, you need to love others. But your ability to love others is dependent on your ability to love yourself.  Mind spinning? Love God . . . but in order to love God you need to love yourself. And loving yourself gives you the capacity to love God. So where do you begin? Ever watch a mouse in an exercise wheel? That’s a pretty accurate analogy in this instance. This is the puzzle of mortal life—trying to solve the mystery of how to love others then how to love yourself or how to love yourself so you can love others.

I was the rodent in the exercise wheel running as fast as I could. My spiritual progression had stopped and everything I did seemed fruitless. I was stuck in an unending cycle that imprisoned my soul. I began to see the horrifying truth that who and what I defined myself as being, was nothing more than what others desired me to become. I had no sense of self-identity or self-worth.  Fear was my motivator and the reason behind all my choices. I was stuck in a world where I reacted to the situations of my life--a victim mentality where bitterness and injustice filled my heart. The concept of love was beyond me. Living in this self-created reality of this world day after day had eroded the sensitivity of my emotions until I had become numb, unconscious, asleep and on autopilot. My world and my desires centered around only myself. Others were just a means to an end to get what I wanted. I had no regard for their time, efforts or personal ambitions. People, places and things were either tools or obstacles in my endeavors in obtaining my desires. And the even scarier part . . . I didn’t really have any personal desires or ambitions. What I believed were ambitions were only ways to prove to myself that I was worthy. My accomplishments filled my wall of pride from floor to ceiling. Certificates, awards, letters of appreciation, honors of all kinds, all framed with care and displayed to the world to prove my worth and value. People regarded me as a leader, a motivator, a public speaker and teacher unparallel in verbal affluence. Someone to show them how to set goals and get what they wanted in life. I hungered for their admiration and devotion.

But I was alone. Even through I was surrounded by people, phone ringing off the hook, the center of attention in numerous projects and activities, a teacher whose creativity and entertaining approach to teaching had won him the hearts of his students; I was still alone. Totally and utterly alone. I had unknowingly and unintentionally created this isolating reality for myself. I did it out of fear—fear that others, if they really knew my true intentions would no longer respect and associate with me. Not even my family really “knew” me. Then one night when making a decision if I should get married, truth smashed me flat. Even this person, who I treasured spending time with, who seemed to understand me better than anyone else, didn’t know me. I realized that the biggest motivating factor in the idea of marriage was to end the onslaught of pressure and questions of why I wasn’t married. I was using this person to hide the biggest secret of my life. I had become an unfeeling, uncaring, self-centered monster. All my hard work and accomplishments had been motivated only for my need of approval from others. And I had accomplished a lot, but it was hollow. What to the world seemed like charity was in reality . . . greed.

This trap—the passions of the mind and the illusions that the physical world uses to confound the concept of love, get us stuck. How many people are stuck, to one degree or another, in this deep rut? And the thing about ruts, once you get into them, getting out gets more difficult the further and deeper you go. Eventually, you get stuck. I found myself deep in the rut covered in gooey, sticky, slimy mud. At this point I was forced to stop and evaluate my situation—my life. What I found seemed hopeless. A raw pain that emanated from the profound sense of self-hated of what I had become, consumed me. And what I did next was the most cowardly, selfish action that another human being could do. I tried to kill myself.

I had in my possession a 30-30 rifle that my father had left in my care. After sitting on my couch holding the loaded rifle for what seem like eternity, I placed the butt of the riffle on the floor and the barrel in my mouth and reached down and pushed the trigger. It clicked. Only having one shell, I shook uncontrollably as I reloaded the gun and repeated the process. CLICK. Nothing. I threw the rifle across the room and fell onto the floor with my legs pulled up to my chest as wave after wave of indescribably painful emotions pulsated through me. Agony that I lack words to describe. Then without warning, it stopped.

I found myself free from the torturing pain, laying on a smooth, warm stone step. The light was blinding after coming from such a dark place. As my eyes adjusted I found myself at the feet of a being of brilliant countenance. Looking at this being was like looking at the silver edge of a cloud just before the sun breaks from behind. Waves of rainbows-like light emanated from all parts of its body. When I fully recognized and comprehended what I was seeing, I tried to scrunch down and hide behind the step. I was filled with such shame of what I had tried to accomplish. Again the grief hit me and I shook with sobs of pain. I felt one hand lift me, while another gently cupped my face and lifted it so our eyes met.  LOVE . . . perfect and pure, filled me. Words boomed inside my mind, “YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND NEVER HAVE BEEN. LOOK!” As I came more aware of my surrounding, I found myself on a raised stone platform surrounded by countless people kneeling and looking at me with eyes full of love and understanding. They seemed to be of every race and nationality. They were dressed in costumes that seemed to represent the entire history of time. The strangest thing occurred as I looked into the eyes of one after another of the people present. I knew them perfectly. I knew every aspect of them insomuch that I lost my identity in them. I was each of them and they were me. Understanding and purpose filled me. It was as if the complex solution of an immense puzzle was being shown to me, and it made perfect sense. Then it was over.

I was lying on my back on the floor staring straight up at the ceiling. I lay there as perfect understanding faded from my consciousness. Then the real world and memories flooded into me. I screamed, “help” weakly reaching for the somewhere I had just been. Again words BOOMED within me, “THE WAY HAS BEEN PREPARED.” I received a gift at that moment. A very small flame of hope began to burn within.

This was the turning point in my life. Life got much harder before it began to get better. But now I had that gift. That small flame of hope within gave me strength. The memory of the strange experience filled my existence with some kind of purpose. I was alive after trying to blow a whole in my head . . . twice. Had some higher power intervened to save me from leaving this world before I completed some kind of mission? An unanswerable question but fuel for my flame of hope. And that dream, vision, out-of-body experience . . . WOW! What was that? It took me years to begin to comprehend it’s significance.

How had I fallen so far? How had I become so captive? So many questions and only one thing I did know for sure—I did not love the person I had become. And without self-love I was at a loss to experience or even comprehend what it felt like to be loved or to love. The conundrum—the puzzle of mortal life. It was this very riddle that led to my awakening.

My father was a leader in the religion in which I was raised. During several presentations at various gatherings he shared a story about a Gardener that went to work in an old neglected orchard. In this orchard was a current bush that had been growing out of control for several years. The Gardener new that the current bush needed to be pruned in order for it to produce good fruit. As he began to prune the current bush he heard the bush speak to him. “What are you doing to me? I had grown so big and wide and you have cut me back to nothing but a bunch of stumps. You have destroyed me.” The Gardener replied, “I know what is best for you. In order to become what you were intended to be—a current bush that produces good fruits, you need to be cut back and pruned. You can’t see it now, but this is for your own good.” That paraphrased story stuck with me throughout my life. I don’t think it was coincidence that my professional training and skill took me into horticulture where that analogy has such influence on my understanding.

The Great Gardener of Life or the Creator knows what is best for us. It sees this life experience form a different viewpoint. It knows that our capacity and awareness of self can only be expanded through trials and challenges. It doesn’t see things in terms of good and bad but in experiences gained and lessons learned.

Think about this . . . if everyone on this physical world did only good—no one ever harming, doing anything that would offend or cause difficulties to anyone else, what would we be like? Would we be this bunch of real happy people enjoying a perfect life?  No! We wouldn’t comprehend the happiness, peace and joy we were experiencing. We would have no capacity to compare our experience to anything else. Opposition creates capacity and awareness. Let me try to demonstrate through an experience I had. I knew this person who had been in prison for a time. Shortly after his release he climbed to the top of a mountain with a friend. As they both sat there on top of the mountain looking out over a broad and beautiful valley, the man who had just recently been released from prison began to laugh and cry at the same time. His friend looked at him confused. “What’s going on?” he asked. The man replied, “I feel so incredibly free!” Because freedom had been taken from this man where he spent years in a small 8x12 foot cell, he had a greater capacity to experience freedom than the man who had been free his entire life.

Think about this: Are all the people in your life, that have hurt you either physically or emotionally, evil or bad? Or, are they the mechanisms that have enabled your consciousness to expand and your capacity to experience grow? You wouldn’t be who you are today without their effects in your life. And you won’t become who you are destined to become without their complicating influences. So as I regale the story of my life with all the destruction and carnage I left in my path as well as the victories of self-mastery and moments of self-realization understand that life is a rollercoaster for a reason. I have sat for hours contemplating on whether or not I should share the dark moments of my life in such a public forum. I decided that it is those defining moments that shaped and formed me into what I am today. By understanding my experiences you understand me as a writer a bit better and hopefully you will be able to relate with my story and grow through my experiences.

How to solve the conundrum of Love? The answer lies in understanding our purpose for living. This is a world of trial and hardship. We come here to learn, to grow and progress. Without this proving ground, we would be infantile souls never progressing or learning. Who were all the people in my strange vision-like experience, and why did I understand them so perfectly? Because they were me and I was them or would become them in other lives. And more important, who was the glorified entity that gave me the gift of hope and shared such a moment of perfect love that I will not forget in this life? It was also me! I am not this physical form. I am soul. This life is one of the many aspects of who “I am.” I am already perfect at some level and so perfection is within me. I am like a bulbous root (onion, garlic, etc.) with layers upon layers. At my core is perfection. As I peal through one layer after another I gain greater understanding of who I am. And what is Love? Love is moments of perfect understanding. So as I learn to understand myself better and my true nature (Soul), my love for self grows. And one way to understand myself better is to truly comprehend and understand others. By understanding (loving) others I love myself. And by loving myself, I increase my capacity to love others.

So if loving others is as easy as coming to understand them, then why is it so hard? Why on a planet crowded with more than 7 billion people are so many alone? Why am I alone? Is that why I’m slipping? I don’t have any traction in socks.

What is Love?

Most likely you have heard the saying, “Love is the answer . . . what is the question? This simply means that the most basic answer or solution to the most troubling of questions is love--what would love do? Love seams to be the answer to all the simple yet complex solutions that I will propose to those who choose to read my words, yet there is one major snafu. That is, a common and simple definition that everyone can agree upon as to what Love is.

Love. What is it? Why is something so vital to our existence so profoundly difficult to put into words? How does one describe this complex but fundamental feeling? Is it a feeling or some other feeling or sensation that is being mistaken for Love? How does one learn about Love? Could their experiences have taught them something that is different than what another person experiences as Love? Questions, questions and more questions are created from asking this one question. If Love is so important, then why is it so difficult to define?

I’m not so presumptuous to believe that I have any particular qualification to even begin to approach this philosophical question with any credibility. All I have is my short life of experiences and a temperament of unquenchable curiosity that has led me to some kind of understanding of Love. This working theory is only a beginning context from which to apply and practice the concept of what I believe Love could be. For what I have discovered about Love is that it has no end to its complexities and applications. But, having a foundation on which to build a common ground on the concept of this monumental driving force of life is important.

There are so many different forms of what Love could be. As I began researching and working with others in exploring the concept of the definition of Love, I discovered that most people equate Love with some kind of action-- you know, “Love is a verb.” There seem to be many different forms of the action of Love such as a mother taking care of her child, a father spending time with his son, someone giving of their own time to another or any general self-sacrifice. During holidays or birthdays I have heard others refer to the number of presents they got by replying to the question: “How much love did you get?” So is Love measured somehow by the monetary amount that one gives or the time and resources they sacrifice to others? I would hope not! As I will discuss later in my writings, that service or charity to others can be twisted to become a blatant act of selfishness. I believe that service and charity shouldn’t be involved in defining Love but a natural result of expressing Love.

While searching through the accumulated knowledge and wisdom of authors of all types, shapes, sizes and kinds, one sentence in one book put me on a path that has led me to the most basic yet profound definition of Love.

Love is, “the will to extend ones self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled.

When I first read this statement, it resounded so profoundly within, that I read it again and again, and again and it became more confusing each time I reread it. But why then did it have such a deep impact on me? Maybe defining spiritual growth would be a bit easier to define than Love. So lets start there.

Again this is a complex concept to whittle down into a simple definition. Maybe, I’m over simplifying many of these concepts, but stick with me. It’s not my intent to write a scholarly paper on the all-encompassing definitions of such complex natures as the ones I am attempting to define, but to cut through all the mental junk and arrive at simple truth. Once at the truth, you are more than welcome to go back and plug in all the complexities and obscure concepts to see if they fit within the parameters of where and what I’m trying to achieve. Besides, trying to write all that would lead to boredom (blah, blah, blah). Lets just get to the point and see what comes from there.

Spiritual Growth (the most basic way I can describe it) is the development of a person’s inner path enabling oneself to discover and comprehend the essence of their being, or the core values and meanings by which they live their life.

Lets look at it this way—we are born perfect and through the interactions with the physical world we become distorted by the beliefs, concepts, desires, emotions, and actions of others. We adopt these things into our lives and use them as long as they function well enough for us. Then at times, we experience something new that suggests that one of our old adopted beliefs if incorrect. So we change and adopt the new way of being into our existence. This goes on and on throughout our lives—random happenstance defines our spiritual progression. It’s a reactive state of unconsciousness. But in some rare situations, someone wakes up. Something deep within them yearns for more meaning. They desire to take control of their life instead of just reacting to it. This moment of self-realization is when a person takes the next step into emotional awareness. By distinctively recognizing their individual emotions and the sources from where they arise, they begin to comprehend the true nature of the core values and meanings by which they live their lives. Then something even more amazing happens. The more they come to understand their emotions and their originating sources, the more they begin to recognize and understand the actions of others. And by comprehending the actions and reactions of others they begin to see how their own actions and reactions affect everything and everyone around them. They are no longer an individual aspect but a living being interacting in a larger organism. Unconsciousness to Emotional Awareness. And it goes on from there, buts lets just focus, for now, on the first step—emotional awareness.

So, in other words, emotional awareness is the first step in spiritual growth. Lets rewrite Mr. Pecks statement as follows:

Love is the will to extend ones self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s emotional awareness.

Okay then, how do you nurture your own or another’s emotional awareness? Jeez . . . it just seems one thing leads to another with no end in sight. But this is important so I’m not giving up.

I have heard the following quote from many different sources in many different forms, but the ultimate truth is self-evident. So I apologies to the originator of this fantastic bit of wisdom for not being able to give them credit in my writing, but thank you, thank you, thank you!

The ability to Love anything or anyone else is directly equivalent to the ability to Love yourself.

Oh my Gawd! Were right back to the original question. In order for someone to Love anything or anyone else, they need to first Love themselves. But how do you Love yourself if you don’t know what Love is?

I think the answer to this question goes back to the emotional awareness thing. When we nurture our own emotional awareness we come to understand ourselves more profoundly. The more we understand ourselves, the better we understand others. And the more we understand others, the more we understand ourselves. Kind of begins to give a little more depth to the commandment love your neighbor as yourself. When we truly understand ourselves we have compassion towards ourselves. We begin to comprehend why we do what we do. There is meaning to our existence and actions. We begin to interact with others in this awareness, judgment turns into empathy—and empathy is the desire to truly understand another. The real scary part about the commandment of love your neighbor as yourself is most people these days exist in a state of self-hatred; so maybe fewer people than we think are violating this commandment. Sobering thought.

Remember that dream I described in the introduction of the book about the orbs? The orbs were a tool to take the human consciousness to the next evolutional step of their existence—emotional awareness. With that came the total and perfect comprehension of self and others. No longer was anyone an individual, but part of a whole. Contemplate on what it would be like to completely be understood by another person. Then think back throughout your life to a moment when you remember experiencing Love. Evaluate that memory to see if in that moment you were being understood.

True understanding of another takes an enormous amount of work. It requires one to set aside their beliefs, desires, principle, values and feelings to objectively listen to and comprehend what another is trying to communicate. This is what I will later define as Empathic Communication. Really, think about it, how often do you LISTEN to another objectively without your own feelings and thoughts formulating concepts in your head by making judgments before the other person has even finished explaining themselves? How often do we react to others by trying to force them to exist in our own personally defined reality of the world.

So here it is:

Love = a moment of perfect understanding.

Am I audacious enough to try to define an emotional condition with a mental equation? I think that in this instance it helps to have a mental foundation on which to build an emotional concept. Probably more to the fact most have yet to truly discover the complexities of emotions and understand their implication in their lives yet alone define an emotion as confusing as Love. That is one of the primary concepts I wish to explore in future chapters of this book. Emotional Awareness is a fundamental principle in self-awareness. If everyone on this world were emotionally aware, would war and oppression predominate our mortal condition? Probably not. So yes, I am audacious in defining Love as a mental concept. BUT!!! I would ask for you to test it out. Plug in the word “understanding” where ever you would use the word love. See if you would agree that by truly understanding another is one of the ultimate ways in which we can show another Love. I think the most valuable test is to try it out. Spend time with someone where you put an effort forth to objectively understand the person you are with. See what happens and were it goes.

This simple, simple definition has changed me and opened a universe of understanding/love. Why do people feel that a higher power Loves them, because It has perfect understanding of who they are and why they do what they do. And can Love grow? Yes, because there is no end to truth or understanding.

Love is the will to extend ones self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s UNDERSTANDING. Or

UNDERSTANDING is, the will to extend ones self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s love.

But having a definition for love doesn’t teach someone what love is or how to experience it. The adventure has only just begun . . .

Proposed Chapters

YOU DON’T HAVE TRACTION IN SOCKS

Introduction

What is Love?

The Conundrum of Love

Where are all the Shoes?

Introduction to the Cycle of Reactive Unconsciousness

All Alone

Understanding Intimacy

Filling the Void

Addictive Behaviors

Stop Being so Mental

Justifying with Thinking Errors

Perfectionism is Perfect

Pretending to be Normal

Unconsciously Reacting

Understanding the Cycle

Violations of Trust

Sympathetic Communication

The Singularity Within

Self-defeating Patterns of Behavior

True Communication

Empathetic Communication

Strength of Soul

Self-aware Patterns of Behavior

Beacon of Light

Self-realized Life

Evolution of Consciousness

Continuing Path of Conscious Awareness

You Don't Have Traction in Socks - Introduction

An astute observer, while visiting a prison, asked why the inmates wore their shoes in bed. The guide, familiar with the intricate workings of prison life replied, “Fights seldom occur, but in that rare case, the added traction of shoes on the painted concrete floors could mean life or death. You can’t get traction in socks.” A primary survival technique in such a violent and toxic environment as a prison. But the words seem to ring with resounding truth. A powerful analogy not just describing prison life, but life in the “free world.” What survival techniques have I adopted to protect myself from the perceived dangers of my journey through this life?

I seem to be slipping—a lot. I would think that I could eventually learn to avoid those pitfalls where I plummet into days, weeks and even months of “dark-night-of-soul.” My course across the smooth painted surface of life has been precarious at best. Sometimes the walk is easy—even a short spurt of speed and a flawless slide. Those times make me smile. But then there are those times when fleeing from fear that I helplessly struggle to get my feet under me as I careen into a wall. Something like a dog running with wild abandon across the tile floor of the kitchen and smashing into the cabinets as he tries to make the turn. What simple tools am I lacking that could give me support and traction as a good pair of shoes could provide when navigating that metaphorical concrete floor of life.

Some time ago while contemplating the content of the various experiences of my life, I began to wonder if I could help others by sharing some of the lesson I had come to learn. Then I had a dream. In the dream an ancient aquatic race of this planet (hidden deep under the ocean) presented humankind with a gift that instantly altered the course of our evolution. The gift was a simple orb—small enough to fit in the palm of your hand and Alive! It was actually a living organism. By touching two orbs together a new one would instantaneously be created as the two orbs pulled apart. These orbs somehow had a telepathic connection with the person holding it. The orbs were connected with the combined consciousness of the entire human race. All knowledge, feelings, emotions, and ideas of every living soul on this planet from the very beginning of life was instantly accessible. With an orb in your hand there was not longer secrets, hidden agendas, or conspiracies. Every thought of every individual was instantly obtainable. Every book, creative idea, invention, every scrap of knowledge—no matter how insignificant, was there just by forming a question in your mind.

As I was handed an orb, I panicked. Anyone and everyone that already possessed an orb would know everything about me. They would know my feeling, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions. My personal privacy was totally obliterated upon understanding the purpose of the orbs. My heart and mind raced forward to what I believed would be chaos beyond reason. But something unexpected happened. I noticed that soon after someone received an orb, they would gently settle down into a seated position, then tears would begin to flow. I looked down at the small orb in my hand and pure, undefiled truth flowed into me. I had complete understanding of any person that crossed my mind. I first believed I would be filled with judgment and spite towards anyone that had caused me physical or emotional pain. Instead, by understanding their true intensions and motivations, I was overcome with something entirely unexpected. LOVE! Love on a scale that I can’t describe. I understood everyone perfectly and I knew they understood me. The repercussions of this gift were profound. Everything changed and in ways I would have never imagined.

I believe this dream was an analogy of what I was contemplating I would actually try to accomplish. Develop a tool (book) to help others learn to understand themselves. This book would be about my own life and the journeys I undertook to learn valuable lessons of self-awareness. One of the obstacles in this idea of writing a book about my own life was the fear of how others would respond to my truth. Then I realized that fear was the central concept of why I needed to compose the work--that loneliness of never truly being understood was “a” beginning to the very cycle that prevented my own conscious progression. By using my life as an analogy, others would be able to compare their lives to mine to find similarities in our experiences. It is the experiences of our life that give us character and define our nature. Through self-understanding, others would have a greater understanding of those around them, and would waken then to a new reality of this world. A reality where they would no longer react to their environment, but become truly free through self-mastery and love.

This is the introduction to a goal I have set of writing that book. My good friend Ann gave me the title a several moths ago when she encouraged me to write the book: You Don’t Have Traction in Socks. This will be the title of whatever creation comes from this endeavor. I am going to write this book a little differently. As I compose each chapter from notes and journals of ideas and concepts that have seemed to flow from a higher source, I plan to share them with others in the form or workshops, seminars, retreats and even this blog. By doing this my book will come “alive” (just like the orbs) with the ideas and feedback from those that connect to this project. It will become OUR book. What will the book be about? Understanding how a person becomes trapped in what I call the “Cycle of Reactive Unconsciousness” and the means and methods by which to wakeup through the true meaning of love.

Finding myself in the perfect remote and isolated location to quietly contemplate the structure and words of this project, allows me to take full advantage of the long winter nights to engage in this goal. I have no idea of the time period that will be involved in this endeavor. I would guess several winters as my summers are filled with other exciting projects. The concepts I intend to present will be given without any strings attached or greed implied. It may seem foolish to put all the ideas of a book I wish to publish out to the populace before it is even composed, but this is how I have been inwardly directed to proceed. It is not even my concern that the book ever be published in any formal manner. The process of diving deep within my own consciousness to verbally express the concepts swirling through my mind elevates my consciousness to a higher level of understanding of myself and others. That is my reward and ambition. By understanding myself more profoundly, I have the capacity to understand others. By these means I become a true co-worker with God and have the capacity to serve others in this mortal cycle.

I would invite each of you to begin this journey with me. Your company on this quest will lend me motivation to move forward and the strength during the trials that lay ahead. Spread the word to others you believe would be likely candidates to embark with me on my quest. With your productive comments and feedback, I will expand my knowledge and understanding to more fully create a gift for others.

With much love to each of you and hope for the future,

Christopher