The Conundrum of Love

A conundrum is something puzzling, confusing, or mysterious—where the solution to the question is also the problem. That is exactly what I encountered in my quest for love.

The ability to Love anything or anyone else is directly equivalent to the ability to Love yourself.

How do you love yourself? How do you love someone else? One response to this question in my search for answers explained that we learn to love ourselves through loving others. Here is the paradox—in learning to love yourself, you need to love others. But your ability to love others is dependent on your ability to love yourself.  Mind spinning? Love God . . . but in order to love God you need to love yourself. And loving yourself gives you the capacity to love God. So where do you begin? Ever watch a mouse in an exercise wheel? That’s a pretty accurate analogy in this instance. This is the puzzle of mortal life—trying to solve the mystery of how to love others then how to love yourself or how to love yourself so you can love others.

I was the rodent in the exercise wheel running as fast as I could. My spiritual progression had stopped and everything I did seemed fruitless. I was stuck in an unending cycle that imprisoned my soul. I began to see the horrifying truth that who and what I defined myself as being, was nothing more than what others desired me to become. I had no sense of self-identity or self-worth.  Fear was my motivator and the reason behind all my choices. I was stuck in a world where I reacted to the situations of my life--a victim mentality where bitterness and injustice filled my heart. The concept of love was beyond me. Living in this self-created reality of this world day after day had eroded the sensitivity of my emotions until I had become numb, unconscious, asleep and on autopilot. My world and my desires centered around only myself. Others were just a means to an end to get what I wanted. I had no regard for their time, efforts or personal ambitions. People, places and things were either tools or obstacles in my endeavors in obtaining my desires. And the even scarier part . . . I didn’t really have any personal desires or ambitions. What I believed were ambitions were only ways to prove to myself that I was worthy. My accomplishments filled my wall of pride from floor to ceiling. Certificates, awards, letters of appreciation, honors of all kinds, all framed with care and displayed to the world to prove my worth and value. People regarded me as a leader, a motivator, a public speaker and teacher unparallel in verbal affluence. Someone to show them how to set goals and get what they wanted in life. I hungered for their admiration and devotion.

But I was alone. Even through I was surrounded by people, phone ringing off the hook, the center of attention in numerous projects and activities, a teacher whose creativity and entertaining approach to teaching had won him the hearts of his students; I was still alone. Totally and utterly alone. I had unknowingly and unintentionally created this isolating reality for myself. I did it out of fear—fear that others, if they really knew my true intentions would no longer respect and associate with me. Not even my family really “knew” me. Then one night when making a decision if I should get married, truth smashed me flat. Even this person, who I treasured spending time with, who seemed to understand me better than anyone else, didn’t know me. I realized that the biggest motivating factor in the idea of marriage was to end the onslaught of pressure and questions of why I wasn’t married. I was using this person to hide the biggest secret of my life. I had become an unfeeling, uncaring, self-centered monster. All my hard work and accomplishments had been motivated only for my need of approval from others. And I had accomplished a lot, but it was hollow. What to the world seemed like charity was in reality . . . greed.

This trap—the passions of the mind and the illusions that the physical world uses to confound the concept of love, get us stuck. How many people are stuck, to one degree or another, in this deep rut? And the thing about ruts, once you get into them, getting out gets more difficult the further and deeper you go. Eventually, you get stuck. I found myself deep in the rut covered in gooey, sticky, slimy mud. At this point I was forced to stop and evaluate my situation—my life. What I found seemed hopeless. A raw pain that emanated from the profound sense of self-hated of what I had become, consumed me. And what I did next was the most cowardly, selfish action that another human being could do. I tried to kill myself.

I had in my possession a 30-30 rifle that my father had left in my care. After sitting on my couch holding the loaded rifle for what seem like eternity, I placed the butt of the riffle on the floor and the barrel in my mouth and reached down and pushed the trigger. It clicked. Only having one shell, I shook uncontrollably as I reloaded the gun and repeated the process. CLICK. Nothing. I threw the rifle across the room and fell onto the floor with my legs pulled up to my chest as wave after wave of indescribably painful emotions pulsated through me. Agony that I lack words to describe. Then without warning, it stopped.

I found myself free from the torturing pain, laying on a smooth, warm stone step. The light was blinding after coming from such a dark place. As my eyes adjusted I found myself at the feet of a being of brilliant countenance. Looking at this being was like looking at the silver edge of a cloud just before the sun breaks from behind. Waves of rainbows-like light emanated from all parts of its body. When I fully recognized and comprehended what I was seeing, I tried to scrunch down and hide behind the step. I was filled with such shame of what I had tried to accomplish. Again the grief hit me and I shook with sobs of pain. I felt one hand lift me, while another gently cupped my face and lifted it so our eyes met.  LOVE . . . perfect and pure, filled me. Words boomed inside my mind, “YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND NEVER HAVE BEEN. LOOK!” As I came more aware of my surrounding, I found myself on a raised stone platform surrounded by countless people kneeling and looking at me with eyes full of love and understanding. They seemed to be of every race and nationality. They were dressed in costumes that seemed to represent the entire history of time. The strangest thing occurred as I looked into the eyes of one after another of the people present. I knew them perfectly. I knew every aspect of them insomuch that I lost my identity in them. I was each of them and they were me. Understanding and purpose filled me. It was as if the complex solution of an immense puzzle was being shown to me, and it made perfect sense. Then it was over.

I was lying on my back on the floor staring straight up at the ceiling. I lay there as perfect understanding faded from my consciousness. Then the real world and memories flooded into me. I screamed, “help” weakly reaching for the somewhere I had just been. Again words BOOMED within me, “THE WAY HAS BEEN PREPARED.” I received a gift at that moment. A very small flame of hope began to burn within.

This was the turning point in my life. Life got much harder before it began to get better. But now I had that gift. That small flame of hope within gave me strength. The memory of the strange experience filled my existence with some kind of purpose. I was alive after trying to blow a whole in my head . . . twice. Had some higher power intervened to save me from leaving this world before I completed some kind of mission? An unanswerable question but fuel for my flame of hope. And that dream, vision, out-of-body experience . . . WOW! What was that? It took me years to begin to comprehend it’s significance.

How had I fallen so far? How had I become so captive? So many questions and only one thing I did know for sure—I did not love the person I had become. And without self-love I was at a loss to experience or even comprehend what it felt like to be loved or to love. The conundrum—the puzzle of mortal life. It was this very riddle that led to my awakening.

My father was a leader in the religion in which I was raised. During several presentations at various gatherings he shared a story about a Gardener that went to work in an old neglected orchard. In this orchard was a current bush that had been growing out of control for several years. The Gardener new that the current bush needed to be pruned in order for it to produce good fruit. As he began to prune the current bush he heard the bush speak to him. “What are you doing to me? I had grown so big and wide and you have cut me back to nothing but a bunch of stumps. You have destroyed me.” The Gardener replied, “I know what is best for you. In order to become what you were intended to be—a current bush that produces good fruits, you need to be cut back and pruned. You can’t see it now, but this is for your own good.” That paraphrased story stuck with me throughout my life. I don’t think it was coincidence that my professional training and skill took me into horticulture where that analogy has such influence on my understanding.

The Great Gardener of Life or the Creator knows what is best for us. It sees this life experience form a different viewpoint. It knows that our capacity and awareness of self can only be expanded through trials and challenges. It doesn’t see things in terms of good and bad but in experiences gained and lessons learned.

Think about this . . . if everyone on this physical world did only good—no one ever harming, doing anything that would offend or cause difficulties to anyone else, what would we be like? Would we be this bunch of real happy people enjoying a perfect life?  No! We wouldn’t comprehend the happiness, peace and joy we were experiencing. We would have no capacity to compare our experience to anything else. Opposition creates capacity and awareness. Let me try to demonstrate through an experience I had. I knew this person who had been in prison for a time. Shortly after his release he climbed to the top of a mountain with a friend. As they both sat there on top of the mountain looking out over a broad and beautiful valley, the man who had just recently been released from prison began to laugh and cry at the same time. His friend looked at him confused. “What’s going on?” he asked. The man replied, “I feel so incredibly free!” Because freedom had been taken from this man where he spent years in a small 8x12 foot cell, he had a greater capacity to experience freedom than the man who had been free his entire life.

Think about this: Are all the people in your life, that have hurt you either physically or emotionally, evil or bad? Or, are they the mechanisms that have enabled your consciousness to expand and your capacity to experience grow? You wouldn’t be who you are today without their effects in your life. And you won’t become who you are destined to become without their complicating influences. So as I regale the story of my life with all the destruction and carnage I left in my path as well as the victories of self-mastery and moments of self-realization understand that life is a rollercoaster for a reason. I have sat for hours contemplating on whether or not I should share the dark moments of my life in such a public forum. I decided that it is those defining moments that shaped and formed me into what I am today. By understanding my experiences you understand me as a writer a bit better and hopefully you will be able to relate with my story and grow through my experiences.

How to solve the conundrum of Love? The answer lies in understanding our purpose for living. This is a world of trial and hardship. We come here to learn, to grow and progress. Without this proving ground, we would be infantile souls never progressing or learning. Who were all the people in my strange vision-like experience, and why did I understand them so perfectly? Because they were me and I was them or would become them in other lives. And more important, who was the glorified entity that gave me the gift of hope and shared such a moment of perfect love that I will not forget in this life? It was also me! I am not this physical form. I am soul. This life is one of the many aspects of who “I am.” I am already perfect at some level and so perfection is within me. I am like a bulbous root (onion, garlic, etc.) with layers upon layers. At my core is perfection. As I peal through one layer after another I gain greater understanding of who I am. And what is Love? Love is moments of perfect understanding. So as I learn to understand myself better and my true nature (Soul), my love for self grows. And one way to understand myself better is to truly comprehend and understand others. By understanding (loving) others I love myself. And by loving myself, I increase my capacity to love others.

So if loving others is as easy as coming to understand them, then why is it so hard? Why on a planet crowded with more than 7 billion people are so many alone? Why am I alone? Is that why I’m slipping? I don’t have any traction in socks.